Rape is something that happens to
more women than we realize and that they choose to admit, lots of women who get
raped feel ashamed to tell someone or anyone for that matter and it’s not only
virgins that are victims of rape, non-virgins are inclusive in this matter too.
If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk
with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me
by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous.
Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling
you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer
anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivor’s deal with
their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing
process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my
belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share
what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed
emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect
you in your everyday life. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to
be! (more after the cut)
Steps
in The Healing Process
#1) Believe deep down it is not your
fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know
and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to
deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another,
but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the
guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The
rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control
and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best
to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel
like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them
head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your
shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with
your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard
way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I
immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own
healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The
first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to
think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you
are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well
being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling
someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy
to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to
lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU
realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you
were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line
is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone
else!
#4) Surround yourself with the
people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those
who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something
everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you
will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or
watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday
to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out
the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change
the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it
doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on
something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up
with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long
struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have
control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter
control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9
months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I
realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of
MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief
that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about
my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had
left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I
stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and
picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol
to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or
drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem
other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and
release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to
heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will
have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others,
only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional
counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer
free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are
your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is
covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance
programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer
a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you.
There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself
and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are
more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can
help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings
at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This
is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is
up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your
honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only
fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me
away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home
or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to
to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and
offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and
nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self
defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an
excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is
very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t
alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release
the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the
same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly
feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your
body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little
better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga,
not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding
in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to
your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in
your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to
do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better
afterwards, never fails.
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