We all know that different people have
different personality types. But how many different types are there? What are
they? And how do personality differences impact our relationships?According to
the most useful system I have encountered — it’s called the “Enneagram” — there
are nine basic personality types. We all have some of each type within us. But
we mostly tend to identify with one to three of these types.I have found
this system highly useful when working with couples in myintensive retreats. As
preparatory work for their retreat, I ask partners to discover the top
three types they identify with. I have a little test to help them. This helps
partners learn things about themselves and each other even before they get
to a retreat. It also helps me get to know them more quickly as individuals —
and what their problematic relationship dynamics are likely to be — and have
that head start as we start working together.In my book Relationship
Tools for Positive Change, I cover each type in more depth — and
give you tools and methods to work with problematic relationship dynamics
that occur between different types. (more after the cut)
Each couple is a unique combination of two
specific personality types. In working with couples in my retreats, knowing how
to work with each type — how they think, how they communicate, and what they
need — is essential.Below, I will briefly examine the nine types in the
Enneagram system of personality profiling, and the expected problems each type
will have in love and relationships. I will also describe how each type can
personally grow to overcome any of their self-limiting beliefs.As you read
through these different types, you may get a sense of where you fit or you may
not clearly see it. The Enneagram is a richly complex system. And we each have
a little of all types.
1. The Perfectionist
A Perfectionist is concerned with being good,
correcting error, doing what one should, and getting things right. They
have an active inner voice that guides them to do the right thing.But this
inner voice is critical and overbearing, and it tends to produce inner tension,
guilt, and worry. In its wake, pleasure gets dampened. Personal needs are not
recognized or voiced. A sense of deprivation can result.The focus on what is
“good” and “right” gets put out into relationships. The strong sense of “it
should be this way” voiced by the Perfectionist — in the interest of what seems
right — makes it look like there’s only one way of doing things, their way.The
other person generally does not like this, and may end up feeling like they are
walking on egg-shells. In their “rightness” the Perfectionist seems to be
superior, while the other person feels picked apart, rejected, hurt,
inferior.There is a tendency to be overly black and white about things. This
creates stress and a sense of trying to be in control. It also reduces
happiness. People in relationship with a Perfectionist often wish things could
just be more relaxed and easy. They yearn for a more flexible approach to
things.Personal growth for a Perfectionist is to internally ask the question:
“Would I rather be right — or happy?” It will help to see and question what
seem to be rigid rules. Learn to accept mistakes. Recognize that there are
different ways of doing things besides the one “right” way. Two great virtues
for a Perfectionist to develop are patience and compassion. True serenity is
gained by accepting things as they are, even what appear to be “imperfections.”
2. The Giver
A Giver is focused on fulfilling other
peoples’ needs. They believe they’ll get love and connection in this
way. They usually give too much. But they seldom ask for what they want or
need.So they get back too little — since others do not have a Giver’s “psychic”
ability to see needs. Eventually they break into anger, or just as easily,
tears. They, and their partners, get overwhelmed by these emotional outbreaks.A
Giver puts so much energy into gaining connection by giving, that other people
see this as too much, out of balance, possibly even manipulative. So others
retreat — as the Giver pursues them. Under these conditions, a Giver can be
viewed as overly needy or too dependent.Most relationships encounter
discrepancies between one partner wanting to be closer, and the other wanting
space. The Giver usually suffers the lack of connection in this classic
“connection vs. space” dance. This leaves them particularly vulnerable to
feeling rejected and the pain of loss. Their pursuit of connection often will
push the other person to need even more space. This polarization process
results in both partners suffering.Personal growth for a Giver is to scale back
their strong drive for giving — and reduce their dependency on connecting. Know
that love does not depend on altering oneself to fit the needs of others. A
Giver will grow if they practice setting boundaries and saying “no.” By
spending time alone, they learn to better sense their own needs — and how to
fulfill these needs, themselves. A Giver also grows as they begin to directly
ask others for what they want.
3. The Performer
A Performer is concerned with work and
getting the job done. They are driven by the need to succeed. In essence, they
believe that love and acceptance is based upon what they do, on their
performance, image, achievements and success.With their high drive to get the
job done, a Performer puts feelings aside — theirs as well as the feelings of
other people. This becomes a problem in relationships.For the Performer,
accomplishments are seen to be the measure of a person’s worth. This leaves
them very dependent on external approval and recognition, based on how well
they succeed in accomplishing things.In relationship, others may sense they are
not cared for, especially because their feelings are ignored by the Performer.
The whole realm of emotional contact will seem to be missing. People want to
know what a Performer feels. But there is discomfort around the arena of
emotions, so a Performer will avoid this vital area of human interchange. Their
partners end up feeling a lack of connection. As a Performer gets stuck in
to-do lists and workaholism, their emotional absence will become the critical
issue.Personal growth for a Performer is to know and honor their feelings, and
to freely discuss feelings with others. They grow with the realization they are
a human beings, not human “doings.” They also need to become the source of
their own acceptance and appreciation, rather than depending on external
recognition. It is vital for a Performer to slow down and smell the roses — to
feel good while doing nothing — and appreciate the importance of emotion in
life and love.
4. The Romantic
A Romantic is an idealist who longs for a
special sense of connection in the world. They are often disappointed by life.
They feel something important is missing. They tend to be dissatisfied or angry
with ordinary, daily life.They yearn for that special something believed to be
ultimately fulfilling. Relationships are concerned with a search for the
special and unique. Romantics suffer from a “grass is always greener” syndrome.
They are attracted by distance and non-availability.But once things settle
down, they get bored or start to see what is missing or not good enough in the
other person. Hence, they have trouble committing. Lasting happiness is
elusive. A Romantic perennially longs for a depth and intensity of
emotional connection.Yet it always seems missing, and their partner fails to
match their idealized yearnings. They feel special, different, but at
times they also feel like a misfit. They seem to generate dramatic crises,
easily feeling rejected, abandoned, jealous, or envious.They can become subject
to having huge emotional swings. People have difficulty coping with their
intense drama. Others can also feel rejected, as being seen as not good
enough.Personal growth for a Romantic is to see what is positive in life in the
moment, rather than seeing what is missing. Learn to enjoy being in the “here
and now.” Find things to appreciate in ordinary everyday experiences. Growth
occurs as a Romantic maintains a consistent course of action, despite intense
mood swings. They need to slow down and delay their emotional reactions.
Additionally, helping others is good for a Romantic, offering a way to become
less self-absorbed.
5. The Observer
An Observer tends to think the world demands
too much, and gives too little. They focus on protecting themselves from
intrusions or demands made on them by others. They value privacy. They
need significant amounts of time alone.Observers will tend to be detached
and will easily withdraw from others. Emotional states overwhelm an
Observer — both their own feelings and those of other people. Hence they will
isolate from their feelings and try to avoid the feelings of the people around
them.They retreat to the domain of the mind and intellect. Others find this
void of emotional connection a kind of rejection, a sign their feelings don’t
matter.The detached stance of an Observer can leave them feeling isolated. Lots
of alone time may also bring with it the pain of feeling lonely. They may then
long for connection. Yet at the same time, an Observer feels inadequate when it
comes to connecting and dealing with real emotional interchange in
relationships.In the dance of “connection vs. space” they tend to need lots of
space and can feel trapped. Others perceive them as unavailable, aloof, and try
to get them to open up and talk about their feelings. It’s easy to mistake an
Observer’s need for privacy as a form of rejection. Their retreat into the
intellect can easily be seen as being superior.Personal growth for an Observer
is to become comfortable with feelings. Start sensing what you feel. And reveal
this to others, in real time, as soon as you feel it. When you feel like
withdrawing, move closer. Participate in life more, engage in conversation and
discuss personal things about yourself.
To be continued...
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