You're not quite
sure how — or when — it happened. You used to have so much fun in bed, but
suddenly your sex life just isn't what it used to be. By 11 p.m. you're more
interested in The Daily Show than in a steamy session with your guy.
Even when you do work up the energy, sex feels so...predictable. The
excitement, even the passion, are MIA.
The thing is, you
like sex — a lot. And you love your partner. So what gives? "There are all
kinds of emotional barriers to having good sex, from poor body image to
boredom," says sex therapist Laura Berman, PhD, director of the Berman
Center in Chicago and author of The Passion Prescription. "The good
news is that you can get beyond them and reconnect with your sensuality."
Ready to light
your fire? These moves will make sex hotter, happier, and just plain sexier. (more after the cut)
1. Like yourself naked.
Women who have the
best sex lives feel good about their bodies, says Joy Davidson, PhD, a sex
therapist in New York City and the author of Fearless Sex. "They
see themselves as strong and sexy." Unfortunately, according to Berman, up
to 80 percent of women in the United States suffer from a negative body image.
"Typically, when a woman looks at herself, her eyes go straight to her
problem areas," says Berman. "She carries that feeling into the
bedroom, and when her partner's kissing her thighs, she's busy thinking, 'God,
I'm so fat!'" To boost your body confidence, give yourself a reality
check. The next time you're at the store or in the gym, take a look around you
at all the attractive women who are a variety of shapes and sizes. Remind
yourself: There is no one ideal. Then ask your partner what he loves about your
body, and write it down. Read the list every morning. Finally, compliment
yourself. At least once a week, stand in front of the mirror naked and focus on
your favorite features — your toned arms, your firm butt, your gorgeous
breasts. Touch each part and say aloud what you like about it — this will help
to reinforce your feelings, says Berman.
2. Make the mind-body connection.
Think about those
moments in your life when you feel completely in tune with your body. Maybe
it's after you finish a long run — your blood is pumping and you're relaxed and
exhilarated. Or perhaps it's when you do yoga and achieve a mind-body meld.
Chances are, this doesn't happen often enough. "When a woman has a
negative self-image, she tends to disconnect from how her body feels,"
says Berman. To reestablish the bond, do something that makes you feel good in
your skin at least once a day — treat yourself to a massage, go apple picking
with your kids, wear the jeans that give you an ego boost the minute you slide
them on. "Whenever you're tuned in to your body and what it's capable of,
you're naturally more sensual," says Davidson.
3. Swear off sex.
It's extreme, yes,
but highly effective. That's because when you tell yourself you can't have
something, you want it even more. The same is true in the bedroom — especially
if you and your partner have been together for a while and sex has become
automatic. Instead of focusing on the end game, learn to enjoy the sensuality
of sex. Tease yourself — and him. Get undressed, dim the lights and take turns
exploring each other's bodies. "When you're the one doing the touching,
concentrate on communicating love and sensuality to your partner," says
Berman. "When you're on the receiving end, let yourself feel the
sensations of each and every stroke. This will help you reconnect with each
other on a whole new level." Not only that but by the time you're done,
you'll be so excited you'll barely be able to stand it. Hold off (if you can!)
for a night or two, to let the anticipation build.
4. Add a few thrills.
After a few years
together, it's easy to get lazy in bed. But you both deserve better. "If
you don't put energy into your relationship, you won't get energy out of
it," says Davidson.
Research shows
that new and adventurous activities may stimulate the brain to produce
dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in sexual desire. Do
something daring outside the bedroom and dopamine levels may skyrocket — along
with your sex drive. Challenge your guy to a heart-pounding activity like rock
climbing or white-water rafting. "Experiencing something new and
exhilarating together helps replicate that feeling you had in the beginning of
your relationship when you couldn't get enough of each other," says
Berman.
5. Tell him how to turn you on.
"Men want to
be your knight in shining armor when it comes to sex — they're eager for you to
tell them what feels good," says Berman. "The problem is, so many
women are out of touch with their bodies they have no idea what to say."
Help him, and yourself, by showing him what turns you on. Put your hand on top
of his and guide him in how you want to be touched — including how much
pressure to use. When you're ready to move on to oral sex, or to bring in a few
sex toys, speak up. "This is the only way he's going to know what works
for you," says Berman.
to be continued...
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