Have you ever met
someone who "romantically" knocked you off your feet -- as in
"Hi Mom and Dad... you're not going to believe this, but I just met the
man of my dreams!"
But, sadly, a few
months later, your conversation changed to, "I can't believe he turned out
to be so emotionally unavailable, and commitment-phobic."
There are people
who chronically meet and date individuals who, at first, seem so perfect for a
warm, loving relationship. But when those same "in love" people take
off their rose colored glasses, they realize the person they thought was Mr.
Right was really Mr. Wrong . How did they not recognize this? How did they miss
the obvious warning signs before they became intimate and gave their heart
away?
Answer: it's so easy to become intoxicated during
that early infatuation stage when you meet someone who fits your pictures and
seems like the perfect match. ("He's so good-looking," or "What
a gorgeous woman!" or "What an exciting personality! or "He's so
rich!" or "She's so hot in bed!" or "He wants the same
thing I want: to settle down and have children.")
For those of us
who've been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, we know
the pain of not being able to get close to the person we love. Our deep love
for them can put us in denial of the fact that they are unavailable for an
intimate, close relationship with us.
If a person is
serious about finding an emotionally available person for a committed
partnership, there are whole categories of people who should be avoided: people
living in another state, those who are still married or in love with someone
else, and people with addictions - be it workaholics or drug addicts. (more
after the cut)
The
"booby prize" in life is trying to understand or change the behavior
of an emotionally unavailable person. (Only they can change themselves.) People
can be unavailable for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. They may have
suffered through a troubled childhood experience that has wounded them or they
now have higher priorities such as their career or taking care of a sick
parent. Perhaps, they are recently divorced or widowed, and legitimately not
ready to get involved in an intimate relationship. Then, there are those who
are too afraid of taking the risk of falling in love because they have been
hurt too much in their previous relationships.
Ironically,
most emotionally unavailable people are easy to spot, quite transparent,
showing you their true colors, right from the beginning. Here are the top 10
signs you are dating a person who is not ready for a committed relationship
with you. If you notice several of these signals in that person, it may be time
to ask yourself why you're still in a relationship with them. Are you really
serious about wanting to be in a committed relationship?
10 Signs
You're Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Person
1.
Sexually Fast. Beware of
a person who wants to become sexually familiar quickly. Often they are seducers
just looking for another conquest. Or, if they are over-focused on sex it may
be because they don't feel they have anything else to offer. Once the
relationship becomes too intimate, they'll cut and run.
2. A Real
Charmer. Look
out for the person who is quick to flatter and compliment you without really
knowing you. Often these people "do" charming (as opposed to
"being" charming) and are adept at communicating and appearing
enthusiastic and enthralled. It's a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on
short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality
they prefer the chase to the catch.
3. Complains
about Past Relationships. In a discussion about their past relationships,
they will denigrate their former partners. Their relationship break-ups are
never because of their behavior or the problems they created. The failures of
their unsuccessful partnerships are always based on the faults of their exes.
They lack the maturity to take responsibility for their mistakes in their past
relationships.
4. Can't
Pass the Screen for Intimacy. Make sure to probe a new person to find out why
past long-term relationships did not work and ended. Ask questions to discern
whether failure occurred because of their inability to develop intimacy or
other issues that would give you pause for concern.
5. What
They Say. Often
emotionally unavailable people will say, "I'm just not good at having a
relationship," or "I don't think I'm ready for marriage."
Believe them! In this case, they are not lying. But don't fall into their trap:
there is something terribly seductive about trying to be "the one"
who turns them around. Don't try. Accept their negative pronouncements. This
may be the first and only time you'll hear them speak the truth (as they know
it).
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