As a marriage counselor working with men and women in relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous issues. While many situations are complex, there's one profoundly simple truth that men need to know: Women leave men they love.
They feel terrible about it. It tears their
heart out of them. But they do it. They rally their courage and their resources
and they leave. Women leave men with whom they have children, homes and lives.
Women leave for many reasons, but there's one
reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want men to understand: Women
leave because their man is not present. He's working, golfing, gaming, watching
TV, fishing...the list is long. These aren't bad men. They're good men. They're
good fathers. They support their family. They're nice, likeable. But they take
their wife for granted. They're not present.
"Your wife is
not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it."
(more after the cut)
Women in my office tell me: "Someone
could come and sweep me off my feet, right out from under my husband."
Sometimes the realization scares them. Sometimes it makes them cry.
Men, I'm not saying this is right or wrong.
I'm telling you what I see. You can get as angry, hurt or indignant as you
want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn
it. Day by day, moment after moment. You win her over first and foremost with
your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you
about what matters to her and to feel that you're listening to her. Not nodding
politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil's advocate.
"She wants to
feel your passion. Can you feel your passion?"
She wants you to feel her. She doesn't want
absent-minded groping or quick sex. She wants to feel your passion. Can you
feel your passion? Can you show her? Not just your passion for her or for sex;
your passion for being alive. Do you have it? It's the most attractive thing
you possess. If you've lost it, what's the reason? Where did it go? Find out.
Find it. If you never discovered it, you are living on borrowed time.
If you think you're present with your wife,
try listening to her. Does your mind wander? Notice. When you look at her, how
deeply do you see her? Look again, look deeper. Meet her gaze and keep it for
longer than usual, longer than what's comfortable. If she asks what you're
doing, tell her: "I'm looking into you. I want to see you deeply. I'm
curious about who you are. After all these years I still want to know who you
are, every day." But only say it if you mean it, if you know it's true.
"I'm talking
about five minutes a day to be completely present with the woman you share your
life with."
Touch her with your full attention. Before
you put your hand on her, notice the sensation in your hand. Notice what
happens the moment you make contact. What happens in your body? What do you
feel? Notice the most subtle sensations and emotions. (This is sometimes
described as mindfulness.) Tell her everything you're noticing, moment after
moment.
But you're busy. You don't have time for all
this. How about five minutes? Five minutes a day. Will you commit to that? I'm
not talking about extravagant dinners or date nights (although these are fine
too). I'm talking about five minutes a day to be completely present with the
woman you share your life with. To be completely open-- listening and seeing
without judgement. Will you do that? I bet once you start, once you get a
taste, you won't want to stop.
Note: The gender dynamic outlined above is
reversible. It can go both ways.
article by John Elliot, marriage and relationships counselor
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